Explosive Knowledge: Freddie Mercury and my Literature Review

I am deep in my literature review. Having finished (for now) my results section I made an attempt to write the discussion. It was a sad effort. My results section is my stories, written very much from the heart and from being immersed in the transcripts from my participant interviews. I got very lost in the discussion section, trying to tie the stories back to the literature review I had done for my proposal, about ten million years ago. I kept writing little notes to myself like “add a section on how cancer care is gendered” and “stick in lots more about coming out”. Then I’d get sidetracked for days reading more about cancer and gender (that stuff is interesting!) and forget what I’d been doing.

My supervisor advised me to continue with the discussion – I had the stories in my head, she said, it’s the ideal time to put them in context, relate them back to your research questions. I do have the stories in my head. It’s reassuring. I read about patients being misidentified as sisters, not partners, and I think “oh, that happened to Lisa and Alex” – as if I know them instead of having invented them as characters in a story. It wasn’t enough though – there were big gaps to fill back at the literature review section.

The part I’m building at the moment is on coming out. I originally had a couple of pages in my proposal, which looked fine to me at the time, discussing the metaphor of the closet and how coming out isn’t a one-time act. That small section has grown to many, many pages. I might know more about coming out at this point than anyone in Edmonton (in theory anyway). Watching Bohemian Rhapsody last weekend, I found myself categorising Freddie Mercury’s identity management strategies in my head. He didn’t exactly hide it, most of the time, but used a combination of non-verbal disclosure such as covering and using clues to signal affiliation with a non-heterosexual identity. He was possibly one of the most queer rock stars in history, but some of his fans didn’t pick up the clues, the social context of a rock band served to mute the effectiveness of the message. Similar to Freddie, most LGB people use a combination of methods to come out, a process which is both continual and contextual. See how much fun I am to go to the movies with?

One thing that has struck me, as I wade through my papers, is how this is still very relevant. I did wonder, starting out, if being LGB was still (sometimes) something to be managed at work, or out in the world. In the last few days my news feed has popped up stories about two women being asked to leave a concert for kissing (in EDMONTON!) and a woman in Ontario being kicked out of her church for being in a same-sex relationship. Coming out, for them, had consequences. Watching TV, Drag Race is full of coming out stories, and Transparent is a study in coming out as trans*. At one-point Maura (the lead character, a transwoman) is told not to tell Grandma Rose because it would kill her. “Hey, that’s called ‘explosive knowledge’” I told my fascinated partner, “the idea that coming out could blow up a relationship** and/or cause physical or emotional violence!”

So, the take home message is mainly that I watch a lot of gay stuff, but also that I am mentally and physically immersed in my literature review. I think it was a good decision to do this before my discussion. I hope I will have both the theory and the emotional resonance of the stories available to me when I get there. I’m certainly seeing a lot of connections and hoping I won’t have to do a lot of backfilling if and when I come across an idea or theme I hadn’t  included. Knowledge, explosive or not, that will help me get to the end of this dissertation journey.

 

*I  know, I can’t believe it has taken this long for me to watch it!

** Orne, 2011

 

 

 

 

 

Bad academic first dates

Hurrah! Our cohort (the Chickadees as we have self-identified) has made it to the one year mark. Most of us have 4 courses under our belts (the over achievers have snuck in an extra elective) and we’re cooling our heels until our summer session starts in July.  I have used my time wisely binging Kimmy Schmidt and hand crafting an LGB contribution to the “you should be writing” meme. You’re welcome Ruby Rose fans!

We have learned many things in our one year quest for wisdom, that you can answer any question with a thoughtful expression and “it depends….” , that binaries are for losers, that you can’t just “skim” Judith Butler and that the search for a supervisor is fraught with angst and awkward academic first dates.

Unlike PhD programs – the EdD is a professional doctorate. There’s been a lot of discussion about which is better and I am not going to revisit that here*, but the EdD prides itself on being, above all things, useful. We have all sworn a solemn pledge on a picture of Hannah Arendt to uphold social justice and make the world a better place. Another difference from a PhD is that we have to hunt down and capture our own committee, including our research supervisor. This has led to some interesting encounters as increasingly desperate students try to hook up with faculty members they might know only from online bios, or word of mouth. We’re told to relax, that we may change our research approach a few times between now and the dreaded comprehensive exam next spring, and what currently looks like Professor Right could turn out to be Professor Wrong (or Professor No Clue About Your Subject Area or Method).  This is wise advice, but it doesn’t stop us from getting out there and testing the waters.

We’ve all had a few awkward academic first dates.  Our intended may have asked us overly detailed and complicated questions on our proposal (to which we answer…”erm, dunno….something about health care….and, maybe, gay people?”) Some of us knew from the handshake that this wasn’t going to be “the one” – and some have felt that exciting tug of attraction – could our critical approaches match? Will this person kick my butt when I have disappeared into a week-long Netflix sinkhole or am I going to be doing all the running in this relationship? Will they be firm but fair? I can imagine the UBC education faculty in the staff room (which in my head looks like a 1970s UK high school teachers’ lounge filled with smoke and tweedy jackets) doling out the students like playing cards (“I’ll trade you the weird British one with the oddball who is obsessed with Foucault”). A couple of us have taken it to the next level and supervisor-proposed already. It feels like a big step, like we should bring flowers and possibly a ring.  However the profs are still steadfastly playing the field, and are unwilling to commit. Perhaps I should invent academic Tinder to hurry things along? In the meantime the Chickadees are polyamorous (polyglamorous? pollyannish?) but willing to commit for that certain, special someone when the time is right. Stay tuned – you’ll hear it first right here!

*Because it’s obviously an EdD!

6 months in….shifting frameworks, Foucault and procrastination

So….this summer I started a professional doctorate (EdD at UBC) and after a lot of prevarication, perseveration and procrastination I have decided to write about it. A bit. Or parts of it. When I feel like it…..OK – let’s just see how this goes!

My grand idea was to explore complex themes of reflexivity and subsequently mine meaningful nuggets of wisdom from the blog to inform my world-changing doctoral thesis. In all likelihood it will be yet another form of displacement activity and comprise of observations about being a middle-aged student on a campus filled with hipsters – possibly sprinkled with insights about Foucault (I have none at the moment, but that man seems to pop up everywhere).

To say that it’s been a mind-blower would be an understatement. The program is designed for people working full time in educational leadership roles. Most of the participants are in K-!2 or higher education-type roles – a whole new vocabulary and frame of reference for the lonely two of us in health care (social work and radiation therapy). So far it’s been an uneasy juggling act of writing papers, group work, actual work-work, family stuff, binge-eating and panic. Already the subconscious whisper of “you should be writing”  manages to flavour my (so-called) leisure activities*.  The program format is 8 courses (including 2 electives), exams then the dissertation – in theory over 3 years (although average completion time is 7). Having gone the DCR (diploma) – end on degree- radiotherapy Masters route beloved of those trained in the UK in the 1980s (and before) I have very little experience of critical theorists like the lovely Monsieur Foucault – or concepts like neo-liberalism (hint – not a good thing) and (I am rather ashamed to say) even philosophers like Plato (a frequent guest star in our ethics course). But I am glad to report, it is all rather wonderful to consciously shift away from the technical focus of my day job and look at such questions as ‘what makes a good life’ in the company of 10 wise, kind and experienced people. It’s a luxury and a privilege to be able to tackle these ideas, and better late than never!

My probable area of investigation is the experiences of health care professionals (HCPs) who are gay, lesbian and bisexual (GLB) in the cancer care system – I am really interested how their sexual orientation plays into (or doesn’t) their relationship with patients. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about GLB patients in our system – we could definitely make some improvements in helping them access care and feel welcome. Most of the research examining HCPs looks at the work environment – at homophobia for example. I would love to look at where the patient and HCP’s ‘horizons of understanding” meet (a concept from Gadamer illustrating the need to fully understand the other in a relationship). Does it make a difference? Does it matter? Does sexuality affect the fusion of horizons? Will I pick Gadermarian phenomenology as my critical framework – do I really know what it means yet? Stay tuned – more to come!

*Currently consisting of trying to keep up with my tyrannical FitBit, mess around with #MedRadJClub and binge watch Brooklyn 99. Oh….and Dr. Who.